Cats versus dogs
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I've always been a dog person, but lately I've found myself gravitating toward cats. And it's keeping me up at night.
First, hush your face. I know it's a stupid problem to have, but this has been a heavy week what with North Korea threatening to start World War III and my Bears not making it to the Super Bowl (again, sigh).
So, rather than talk about a serious issue and give an enlightened, insightful, well-thought-out opinion on how to fix it, I'd rather just make you laugh for a few minutes and help you get through the day.
We'll deal with Kim Jong-totally-got-beat-up-in-junior-high Un and his Napoleon Complex at a later date.
Cool? Everybody on board? Awesome; let's do this.
Like I said, I grew up around dogs and I've raised a few of them. I'm partial to big, slobbery, clumsy mutts with massive hearts and small brains because, well, we have a lot in common.
Cats, on the other hand, are a bit of an enigma. They act like they don't care about anything, but then they're suddenly your best friend. They disappear for weeks on end and don't send you so much as a postcard and then, poof! They're back and they brought you a present they've picked up on their travels abroad: a dead bird or rodent.
So let's look at this a little more in-depth, shall we?
Personality: Dogs are like that well-meaning friend who is always so sincere, honest and pure of heart and soul that it makes you uncomfortable. But, in a way, you love him for it because it makes you want to become a better person.
Cats are like that one guy who always says exactly what he means and really, truly, doesn't care if the truth hurts your feelings. To a cat, it's not a question of making you feel good or bad, it's just his nature, and you either love him or hate him for it - because he's always right on the money.
Companionship: Dogs see humans as gods. We can throw tennis balls, Frisbees and sticks. We know about that one spot just behind the ear that makes their leg go nuts, and we're the only ones that can roll the window down in the car. Also: tummy rub. 'Nuff said.
Cats see right through that facade and view humans as self-aware petting and feeding stations. Unless the human is of use to the cat in a given situation, the human is ignored while the cat goes about its business.
Intelligence: When a Great Dane sees you cleaning up his poop, the look on his face is one of puzzled excitement. “What are you doing that for, and when can we to that whole 'you-throw-stick' and then 'I-get-stick' thing? I like that thing! Let's do that thing.”
When a Persian sees you scooping out the litter box, the look on his face is one of contented aloofness. “Oh, good, you're doing that. That's what you should be doing. Good job, or, you know, whatever. I'm going to go sharpen my claws on your sofa ... I have some late-night squirrel murder planned.”
So why am I starting to like cats? It's very simple, really. I read a Henry David Thoreau quote about two weeks ago and I can't get it out of my head. While I cannot find the exact quote, it went something like this:
“A cat is the only animal that cannot be brought to bear by the whips and lashes of man.”
Not bad for a guy who wrote a book about choppin' wood in the woods.
But seriously, folks. There's something very intriguing about owning an animal that cannot be owned. You cannot call a cat, train a cat or mold a cat as you can a dog. They do exactly and only what they want to do, and only when they want to do it.
So if a dog is like your dumb little buddy that doesn't care what you two are doing so long as he's doing it with you, and if a cat is like your sarcastic, overly self-aware roommate, which would you rather have around?
It's still a toss-up for me, so for now I'm just going to go with a neutral answer: chinchilla.
I mean, it's a rabbit-mouse-squirrel. What's not to love?
